chrisploitation

Hey, remember in the time before first-person shooter videogames when people used to play live hunt-and-kill wargames on college campuses?  Me neither.  I was a kid when I saw this movie and later gem Gotcha! (1985) with Anthony Edwards.  This one, with the arduously long title T.A.G. The Assassination Game, has long been lost to me.  Completely out of my memory until a random google search for The Assassin popped up a result list that included this.  Suddenly I was curious again.  It’s not easy to find, with used VHS copies going for 30-60 USD on the usual sites.  But I guess it’s sufficiently old and far enough below anyone’s radar that you can watch it for free on YouTube, if you’re willing to accept subpar video quality.  And let’s face it: there’s probably no form of this movie that actually looks high-quality.  And so it began: a nostalgic trip into the early 80s.

First off, the wacky poster art might make you think this is some kind of teen sex comedy:

Not so much.  For all the swimming pool, locker room and shower scenes, there’s not even a single frame of nudity.  The foreign marketing suggests something a little more sinister:

And that gives you a little more accurate depiction of what this movie offers.  A combination of cheesy rubber-tipped darts mixed with bloody murder?  Yeah, pretty much.

Here’s the basics: Linda Hamilton plays Susan Swayze, a “Psychology Major!” at Whatever University.  She likes to play T.A.G. (you know, the Assassination Game?), a popular extracurricular activity where participants hunt and shoot other players with rubber-tipped plastic darts.  Last one alive is the winner.  Enter Robert Carradine as Alex, another student who writes for the school paper.  After meeting Susan and finding out her interest in the Game, he decides to write an investigative piece with the goal of gettin’ a little piece.  Really, he’s in love and there’s no other reason to write the article.  Even his editor tells him, “Nah, we covered that last year” but Alex is determined.  So he stalks Susan in that charming (creepy) 80s way and helps her in the game.

Meanwhile, we’re introduced to Gersh, the 5-time reigning champion of T.A.G.  He is expected to win again, but when he is surprisingly dispatched by an inferior player we learn that the game means much more to him than first revealed.  Turns out Gersh is, in Psychology Major terms, Bonkers.  His identity is so entwined with the game and his status as it master that he can’t handle losing.  So he cracks, and continues playing the Game with REAL BULLETS!  So now we’ve got a serial killer plotline, with a romantic comedy sprinkled in for good measure.  (?)  Sounds weird because it is.  T.A.G. feels uncertain about what type of film it wants to be.  But to its credit, it follows through with all the plotlines.  The serial killer arc is explored and resolved (SPOILER: The Psychology Major defeats the Psycho = Educational Victory), the leading characters totally hook up (obvs), and the dead are quickly forgotten.  Though I should point out that technically, in true 1980s fashion, the woman has to be rescued by the man at the last minute.  Tsk tsk, 80s.

Of note, the bad guy is played by Bruce Abbott, who played Dr. Cain from Re-Animator.  We get a few ridiculous nods to classics, like this one:

No, that’s not Robert DeNiro in Godfather II.

It’s Bruce Abbott as Gersh in this damn movie.  But we’re sure meant to think of DeNiro, in a hallway with a towel-muffled gunshot subsequently catching fire.  There’s also more than one shower scene played for suspense – echoes of Hitchcock?  I’d like to say this movie thinks a lot of itself…but then I watch the movie.  Nah, this film doesn’t think much at all.  And it’s all the better for it.  The best part about the above scene, is the guy on the receiving end of Gersh’s bullet carries a live white lab rat on his shoulder named RAT-atouille!  I sure hope Pixar is paying royalties to this film.

Synopsis: Swimming pools, high-waisted jeans, plastic darts, breaking glass, body count 5(ish), pre-Terminator Sarah Connor and pre-Nerds Lewis Skolnick.

Rating: 2 katanas

Not very good, but a fairly amusing 88 minutes.  Especially if you’re looking for a lesser-known piece of early 80s nostalgia.  Or if you wanted to reunite Lewis and Gilbert from Revenge of the Nerds, for a double feature of this and Gotcha!  Enjoy.

I am a fan of bad movies. I’ve been fueling myself on various exploitation entries for years, but upon finally watching this ridiculous film, I was inspired to write about them.  This one is no joke, you guys.   It’s hard to know where to begin, but let’s keep it simple.  Lady Terminator is, according to most summaries, an Indonesian homage to, or remake of, James Cameron’s 1984 classic The Terminator.  Let’s see if the plot rings any bells:

An anthropology student is doing research in the Indonesian south seas.  We know she’s an anthropologist because she tells a male coworker repeatedly, “I’m not a lady, I’m an ANTHROPOLOGIST.”  Fair enough.  She dons a bathing suit and scuba gear, and sets about diving when she is quickly and inexplicably transported to an underwater bedchamber.  Here, a (poorly) computer-animated snake creature penetrates her bikini bottom and possesses her with the demon of the South Seas Witch.  That’s right.  We’re witnessing an act of VDP – Vaginal Demonic Possession.  VDP is real, you guys.  And it took a brave Indonesian filmmaker named Jalil Jackson to bring this hot-button social issue into the public light.  I know – EXACTLY like The Terminator, right?  And now, possessed with said vaginal demonic spirit, she’s an unstoppable killing machine.

From here on out, it actually does follow the story of the original Terminator pretty closely, from our Lady Terminator’s nude emergence to a nightclub shootout scene, an eye-gouging scene, and even a male hero saying “Come with me if you want to live.”  The big difference here is a whole lotta dudes getting murdered via dong mutilation.  Not kidding – if you’re a guy in this movie, protect your pouch because Lady Terminator is on a mission to DESTROY it!  That’s what VDP does to a community, apparently: it puts all nearby dongs at risk.  Now if you choose, as I do, to view this as a feminist twist on the action genre, you’ll be happy to know that the first few guys to suffer Death By Dong are pretty creepy and rapey so they probably had it coming.  But as the film progresses, even I have to admit that the morality of all this member mutilation gets a little more murky.  As the body count rises, so too does the collateral dong damage.  Like this poor guy, a nice fella really, who gets machine gunned to the man-beans:

Ouch.

By this point in the film we’ve seen thousands of rounds of spent ammo, and there’s thousands more to come.  There’s fire, explosions, car crashes…in short, everything.  And just when we think the Lady Terminator has run out of ammo, she shows us another trick:

Shooting laser beams out of her FUCKING EYES.  !!!!  Where the hell did this come from?  Who cares.  It’s fucking awesome.

There’s also this dude’s mullet, which he sports in all seriousness for the entire movie.

Where the hell did this come from?  Again, who cares.  It’s fucking awesome….but probably from Indonesia.

Synopsis:  vaginal demonic possession, breasts, blood, bullets, dong mutilation, fire, explosions galore, rocket launchers, car crashes, helicopter crashes, burn victims, impromptu eye surgery, friendship, and fucking laser eyes.

On a scale of Disney to Crank 2, this movie is Shitballs Insane.  Off the charts.

5 katanas*

*n. a Japanese sword.   5-point rating system inspired by one of the best bad movies, Samurai Cop